I Ran the Numbers on Leaving and Staying

spreadsheet sunday. stay: health insurance, vest cliff in eight months, misery indexed daily. leave: freedom, cobra, panic. added a column for dignity. couldn't quantify it. that told me something. still didn't quit. cowardice or prudence. same cell. commute podcast told me to optimize my morning routine. my morning is keys, child handoff, and a train door that closes on my shoulder twice a week. optimization assumes margin. i have thirty seconds and a granola bar. the office plants are thriving because nobody has time to kill them. the slack thread continued without me after i logged off and i still checked it in bed. corporate wellness sent an email about mindfulness while approving a reorg that eliminates three roles i ate lunch with. the coffee machine on four was broken again. small sabotage. i updated my spreadsheet and called it strategy.

Spreadsheet Sunday. Stay: health insurance, vest cliff in eight months, misery indexed daily. Leave: freedom, COBRA, panic.

I added a column for dignity. Could not quantify it. That told me something.

I still did not quit.

Cowardice or prudence. Same cell in the spreadsheet, different story depending on who is reading.

Corporate jobs train you to think in models. Housing markets train you to think in fear. The model said wait eight months. The body said you are shrinking. I do not have a heroic ending. I have a row of assumptions and a cursor blinking in the dignity column, still empty.

I do not need a moral. I need an honest next step. Sometimes that is rest. Sometimes it is showing up again before you feel ready.

The story continues in the body after the words stop. Shoulders lower, or they do not. Tomorrow arrives with its own list. I am still here, which is not nothing.

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